OUR WOMEN FOLK have suggested certain attitudes a wife may take with the husband who is recovering. Thanks for the information.. I knew, and almost welcomed the idea. Though there is no way of proving it, we believe that early in our drinking careers most of us could have stopped drinking. Overnight, as it were, he is a different man. These observations would be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Almost invariably they got drunk. You ask, because many alcoholics, being warped and drugged, do not want to quit. His present views ought to prove exceptionally useful to business men everywhere. Liquor incapacitated father for so many years that mother became head of the house. This may hang on for months, long after their mother has accepted dads new way of living and thinking. So, in one way or another, we discovered that faith had been involved all the time! Father may have laid aside for years all normal activities- clubs, civic duties, sports. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Successful readjustment means the opposite. If you and your husband find a solution for the pressing problem of drink you are, of course, going to be very happy. He did, and also sent a small amount of money. After a time I returned to the hospital. PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. Bathtub gin, two bottles a day, and often three, got to be routine. We do not like the thought that the contents of a book or the work of another alcoholic has accomplished in a few weeks that for which we struggled for years. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity? Yet, we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions. Now these are about to be cast out. A 40,000 to 80,000-word memoir is around 150-265 pages, a standard book-length for the genre. But the difficulty is that few alcoholics have enough desire to stop while there is yet time. Instead of developing new channels of activity for themselves, mother and children demand that he stay home and make up the deficiency. This brings to mind a story about one of our friends. They in turn might work with others. Step Eleven suggests prayer and meditation. Such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand, yet be unaffected. Whenever possible, let your husband explain. His alcoholic problem was taken away. Todays life is measured against that of other years and, when it falls short, the family may be unhappy. When they become too dangerous, we think the kind thing is to lock them up, but of course a good doctor should always be consulted. The problem with which you struggle usually falls within one of four categories: One: Your husband may be only a heavy drinker. Particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. When his wife next calls saying he is sick, you might jump to the conclusion he is drunk. We couldnt duck the issue. If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning. Sometimes theyre shorter The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe by C.S. In a vague way their families and friends sense that these drinkers are abnormal, but everybody hopefully awaits the day when the sufferer will rouse himself from his lethargy and assert his power of will. You, as a business man, want to know the necessities before considering the result. In the realm of the material, mens minds were fettered by superstition, tradition, and all sorts of fixed ideas. He may either plunge into a frantic attempt to get on his feet in business, or he may be so enthralled by his new life that he talks or thinks of little else. We will seldom be interested in liquor. But urge them not to be over- anxious, for that might spoil matters. Why does he? Although financial recovery is on the way for many of us, we found we could not place money first. There could be no love in such persons, we thought. Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. He thus used his own wrong-doing as a means of destroying the reputation of another. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly. When sober, father usually obeyed. Home BoardPrep Blog Alcoholics Anonymous The Big Book Pages 1 164, The text of the 1st 164 pages of Alcoholics Anonymous. We had long talks when I would still her forebodings by telling her that men of genius conceived their best projects when drunk; that the most majestic constructions of philosophic thought were so derived. He can choose any conception he likes, provided it makes sense to him. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. This is not an overnight matter. Actually we were fooling ourselves, for deep down in every man, woman, and child, is the fundamental idea of God. I could laugh at the gin mills. Those of us who live in large cities are overcome by the reflection that close by hundreds are dropping into oblivion every day. Now and then a serious drinker, being dry at the moment says, I dont miss it at all. Can his past absurdities be forgotten? How to use the twelve steps is explained using examples and anecdotes. Our former enemies sometimes praise what we are doing and wish us well. Then you and your husband can get right down to fundamentals. He is a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. We have tried these methods. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Unlike the feelings of the ships passengers, however, our joy in escape from disaster does not subside as we go our individual ways. Perhaps it is going to be that way with you. So that was it-last summer an alcoholic crackpot; now, I suspected, a little cracked about religion. For did we not believe in our own reasoning? We have not even sworn off. While you need not discuss your husband at length, you can quietly let your friends know the nature of his illness. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. And then the book begins to give a solution to Hence, we saw that reason isnt everything. There is another thing you might wish to do. When it will serve any good purpose, we are willing to announce our convictions with tact and common sense. One night, when confined in a hospital, he was approached by an alcoholic who had known a spiritual experience. Logic is great stuff. He has read this volume and says he is prepared to go through with the Twelve Steps of the program of recovery. He is the Father, and we are His children. If we can forget, so can she. This is the first step in recovery. As we look back, we feel we had gone on drinking many years beyond the point where we could quit on our will power. I had eaten there many times during the months I was sober. Without help it is too much for us. He got drunk. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. WebThe 164 and More web site Use 164andMore.com to search the Big Book and the 12&12. But be sure you are on solid spiritual ground before you start and that your motive in going is thoroughly good. With these we have had experience galore. Just be careful not to disagree in a resentful or critical spirit. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. He will appreciate knowing you are not bothering your head about him, that you are not suspicious nor are you trying to run his life so he will be shielded from temptation to drink. It is not by chance we were given the power to reason, to examine the evidence of our senses, and to draw conclusions. But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. The story he told is most instructive, for here was a chap absolutely convinced he had to stop drinking, who had no excuse for drinking, who exhibited splendid judgment and determination in all his other concerns, yet was flat on his back nevertheless. But we could not. Perhaps there is a better way-we think so. He may have the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally. We were usually as definite as this example: We went back through our lives. But alcoholism-well, they just dont believe they have it. If he feels free to discuss his problems with you, if he knows you under-stand and will not be upset by anything he wishes to say, he will probably be off to a fast start. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I? Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. In a few seconds he was overwhelmed by a conviction of the Presence of God. The doctor proved to be able and exceedingly anxious to adopt any workable method of handling the situation. Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. It may be just the jolt he needs. This means trouble, unless the family watches for these tendencies in each other and comes to a friendly agreement about them. He is straining every nerve to make up for lost time. Yet let him drink for a day, and he frequently becomes disgustingly, and even dangerously anti-social. Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. It relieved me somewhat to learn that in alcoholics the will is amazingly weakened when it comes to combating liquor, though it often remains strong in other respects. Show any longshoreman a Sunday supplement describing a proposal to explore the moon by means of a rocket and he will say I bet they do it maybe not so long either. Is not our age characterized by the ease with which we discard old ideas for new, by the complete readiness with which we throw away the theory or gadget which does not work for something new which does? But he did no ranting. Some time later, and just as he thought he was getting control of his liquor situation, he went on a roaring bender. After several failures to find others, a fourth turned up. WebThe book [15] consists of over 400 pages. Though some of us resisted, we found no great difficulty in casting aside such feelings. A man so involved often feels very remorseful at times, especially if he is married to a loyal and courageous girl who has literally gone through hell for him. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him. We often need it to carry green recruits through a severe hangover Some of us still serve it to our friends provided they are not alcoholic. Then he had, in effect, been raised from the dead, suddenly taken from the scrap heap to a level of life better than the best he had ever known! It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferers. We believe a man should be thoroughly probed on these points. Further on, clear-cut directions are given showing how we recovered. All Rights Reserved. We grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. The alcoholic may say to himself in the most casual way, It wont burn me this time, so heres how! Or perhaps he doesnt think at all. That company may harbor many actual or potential alcoholics. Probably there are still some misgivings. They shared their homes, their slender resources, and gladly devoted their spare hours to fellow-sufferers. This combination soon landed me on the rocks. Changes are in Blue and page numbers are provided. People even asked where they could buy a copy. Is it not because each wants to play the lead? That is our experience. Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. But cheer up, something like half of us thought we were atheists or agnostics. You can help when no one else can. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldnt want it. Therefore, you probably need fresh interests and a great cause to live for as much as your husband. We admit we have some of these symptoms, but we have not gone to the extremes you fellows did, nor are we likely to, for we understand ourselves so well after what you have told us that such things cannot happen again. We can only clear the ground a bit. They need your companionship and your help. There is action and more action. There had been a humble willingness to have Him with me-and He came. He proved to be a devil-may-care young fellow whose parents could not make out whether he wanted to stop drinking or not. Family confidence in dad is rising high. I was always in a ward before., Said one of the visitors, Were giving you a treatment for alcoholism., Hopelessness was written large on the mans face as he replied, Oh, but thats no use. Moderate drinkers have little trouble in giving up liquor entirely if they have good reason for it. It isnt fair to me or the firm. But am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring and glum, like some righteous people I see? Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Neither did I have any pressing problems or worries. These men had found something brand new in life. He simply could not believe that his brother-executive suffered from a serious illness. When you discover a prospect for Alcoholics Anonymous, find out all you can about him. Henry Ford once made a wise remark to the effect that experience is the thing of supreme value in life. As each member of a resentful family begins to see his shortcomings and admits them to the others, he lays a basis for helpful discussion. Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery: Many of us exclaimed, What an order! We have been driven to maudlin sympathy, to bitter resentment. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. This happened soon after they wholeheartedly met a few simple requirements. (1939) The authorities were much concerned. Psychologists are inclined to agree with us. My incredible behavior in the face of a desperate desire to stop was explained. Painfully aware of being somehow abnormal, the man did not fully realize what it meant to be alcoholic. Under the so-called belladonna treatment my brain cleared. Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony? Then he begins to appear at hospitals and sanitariums. After satisfying yourself that your man wants to recover and that he will go to any extreme to do so, you may suggest a definite course of action. I drink like that.. An armored car could not have brought the pay envelopes home. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. I took a night law course, and obtained employment as investigator for a surety company. Was I crazy? When a few men in this city have found themselves, and have discovered the joy of helping others to face life again, there will be no stopping until everyone in that town has had his opportunity to recover-if he can and will. He listened in wonder as I talked. We wives found that, like everybody else, we were afflicted with pride, self-pity, vanity and all the things which go to make up the self-centered person; and we were not above selfishness or dishonesty. My judgment and ideas were followed by many to the tune of paper millions. They did not need to tell me. We hope the doctor will tell the patient the truth about his condition, whatever that happens to be. That is why we are anxious that you understand, and that you avoid these unnecessary difficulties. That is the miracle of it. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. We seldom had friends at our homes, never knowing how or when the men of the house would appear. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. Show him you have confidence in his power to stop or moderate. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Substance Abuse Treatment Programs for Professionals, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Program in Florida, Addiction Treatment Programs for Professionals, Mental Health and Addiction Treatment Programs for Professionals, Depression Treatment Center for Professionals, PHP with Housing for Health Professionals, Rehab 101: Self-Will Run Riot How Learning to Let Go of Control Can Help Us Recover, How a 12 Step Program Helps Recovery From Addiction, Rehab 101: The Importance of Practicing New Behaviors (and Attitudes) in Recovery. You will no longer be self-conscious or feel that you must apologize as though your husband were a weak character. I had arrived. Try not to condemn your alcoholic husband no matter what he says or does. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. Carefully reading the rst ve proposals we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are build ing an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last. Those who drink moderately may be more annoyed with an alcoholic than a total abstainer would be. How many times people have said to us: I can take it or leave it alone. After the sermon, he quietly got up and made an explanation. Not always, we think. Little clusters of twos and threes and fives of us have sprung up in other communities, through contact with our two larger centers. He would do anything, he said, but that. We do not mean that you have to agree with your husband whenever there is an honest difference of opinion. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. If you desire to help it might be well to disregard your own drinking, or lack of it. We hope it strikes home to thousands like him. Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. Plenty of difficulties presented themselves. Another time, as I opened a letter which lay on my desk, a newspaper clipping fell out. All this time our friend of the hotel lobby incident remained in that town. Many of us felt that we had plenty of character. We feel that each family, in the light of their own circumstances, ought to decide for themselves. They grew in numbers. WebBig Book, page 164 While the program is considered a suggested method for dealing with the disease of Alcoholism, there are places within the Big Book where the authors used the word MUST. The following is a list of the 40 Musts from the Big Book. Here was something at work in a human heart which had done the impossible. I have seen hundreds of families set their feet in the path that really goes somewhere; have seen the most impossible domestic situations righted; feuds and bitterness of all sorts wiped out. Though you are providing him with the best possible medical attention, he should understand that he must undergo a change of heart. People like you are too heartbreaking. Talk about his condition or this book only when he raises the issue. WebSo Bill and Hank Parkhurst (The Unbeliever in the first edition) went to Cornwall to see Blackwell. He said to the doctor, Is there no exception?, Yes, replied the doctor, there is. Cling to the thought that, in Gods hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have-the key to life and happiness for others. When the thought was expressed that there might be a God personal to me this feeling was intensified. Those of us belonging to a religious denomination which requires confession must, and of course, will want to go to the properly appointed authority whose duty it is to receive it. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. His defense must come from a Higher Power. We have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. Who of us had not loved something or somebody? Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. My brain raced uncontrollably and there was a terrible sense of impending calamity. Then I ordered another cocktail. If your man needs hospitalization, he should have it, but not forcibly unless he is violent. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined. To all appearance he is a stable, well balanced individual. If you do this thoroughly, few people will ask you to drink. This man has a charming wife and family. Dont start out as an evangelist or reformer. No later vicissitude has shaken it. But those of us who have tried to shoulder the entire burden and trouble of others find we are soon overcome by them. Besides a seeming inability to accept much on faith, we often found ourselves handicapped by obstinacy, sensitiveness, and unreasoning prejudice. 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